This started out as a post about PAX East 2010, but then I realized I had no interest or energy to recount that adventure. In summary: Geek cons are fun, exhausting and one day too long.
When I go to a convention, especially one in the realm of geekiness, I usually find myself fending off an encroaching wave of depression and estrangement. I think it is most prevalent at conventions because I feel like, of all social groups, I should find resonance with this one. But I don’t. It doesn’t happen with any group, anywhere, ever. I have no people.
In the past I attributed this feeling to something flawed in me or something inherently misaligned in the interface between myself and social groups. But, at PAX, I realized what was actually happening. I looked at all the people hanging out with their friends, eating together, showing each other cool games, etc. I thought, “I don’t want to do this alone. This isn’t fun by myself.” And then I realized that I wasn’t just talking about PAX, I was talking about my life.
I’ve been wanting companionship for a long time now, but I didn’t realize what its lack was doing in my life. I naturally want to be loved and to love someone else. But I’ve been getting by without that. Except that I’m not really getting by. In every social interaction there is an unconscious expectation that whomever I’m speaking to will somehow fulfill my need for love. It could be my friends, someone I’m playing a board game with, a meetup group I go to, the waitress at the restaurant… And they fail to give me what I need. Because it is unfair to expect it and I didn’t even know that I was asking for anything. And so I have been constantly disappointed and estranged and puzzled about why I am so discontented with other people.
Having identified this does not make me feel any better. But it does give me hope that some day I will have fulfillment in my life and I won’t leave every table still feeling hungry.